Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2016

 Greeting everyone, it is I, the Animated Vulture, and this is just a quick update on what I’m going to be doing in the future. That being is that I don’t plan on doing anymore year end rankings for a while. The reason I’m saying this is because they are way too stressful for me, and because my opinions keep changing rapidly, I end up frequently doing several edits to my rankings when I could be doing something much better with my time. I know people will say that these lists shouldn’t have to reflect my exact opinions all the time, and you’d be right, but I can’t shut off the voice in the back of my head that’s frequently saying, “You need to update this.” So yeah, there’s a chance I’ll go back to doing year end rankings in the future, who knows, but as of right now, I’m done doing them. I’m now going to be doing the usual best and worst lists of a year I just feel like doing, and I have chosen to start with 2016. Anyway, let’s begin the list.

So 2016, this year’s music doesn’t exactly have a great reputation. In fact, people seem to consider this year to be one of the worst years for pop music in the 2010s. For a while I thought people were being too harsh on this year, but after going through this full year end I can say that… yeah this year sucks. I still wouldn’t call it the worst music year of the 2010s(2018), but this year has a lot of subpar quality that all just really blend in with each other. And it’s time to go through the truly subpar-est of this year. This is the top 10 worst hit songs of 2016. But first, let’s go through the dishonorable mentions.

DM. Tiimmy Turner by Desiigner

I know that people really like this song and I kinda get why, but it just really annoys me. The fact that this song gets its title from repeatedly says the name of the main character of The Fairly OddParents while simultaneously being all gothic and broody just makes the song come off as obnoxious.

DM. Back To Sleep by Chris Brown

I legitimately want to slap the person who thought the line “I’ll f*ck you back to sleep girl” was sweet and romantic. At least it isn’t the worst thing Chris Brown has put out.

DM. Really Really by Kevin Gates

It’s a stupid, boring and just really bad trap song from a rapper no one remembers. Next.

DM. Wicked by Future

The only thing that’s at all noticeable or worth noting about this song is that the hook is a complete joke. It’s just Future slurring nonsense like he just ate a scoop of peanut butter.

DM. Sit Still Look Pretty by Daya

“Like OMG girls, I am SO much more than some pretty face! I’m like totes gonna rule the world cause this queen don’t need a king! Yah!!!”

DM. Unsteady by X Ambassadors

For a long time, I thought this song would be a shoo-in for the list. It’s utterly miserable to listen to and Sam Harris gives a horrendous performance. However, I can at least tell that this song does try, which is more than I can say for most songs on the list or even in the DMs.

DM. Pop Style by Drake ft The Throne

Wouldn’t call this one of the worst songs to come from Drake, but it’s definitely one of the laziest. Also did you really have to waste the talent of both Jay-Z AND Kanye?

DM. We Don’t Talk Anymore by Charlie Puth ft Selena Gomez

Annoying and stupid.

DM. Pillowtalk by Zayn

Christ dude could you over sing anymore!?

DM. Ride by Twenty One Pilots

Another song that a lot of people really like, and I get it, but I just can’t stand this production. From the autotune to the horrible mixing and OH MY GOD THAT HIGH NOTE AT THE FINAL CHORUS!

DM. Closer by The Chainsmokers ft Halsey

I’m honestly not really sure what it is about this song that angers me so much. Maybe it’s the completely limp and bland drop that has no real punch to it, maybe it’s the fact that neither singer sounds like they care at all, or maybe it’s the surprisingly shallow and empty writing that’s supposed to be this nice romance, idk.

DM. Can’t Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake

Nothing but cheesy, sugar coated garbage that reminds me of the club boom from 2010 to 2012(which I am NOT a fan of). Why you disappoint me Justin?

With all of that said, on with the list!

 

10. Starving by Hailee Steinfeld and Grey ft Zedd

What are we going to start this list off with? Just a song that elicits thoughts about cannibalism. Ok maybe that’s a little far, but I can’t help it, that’s where my mind goes whenever I listen to this song. Starting with the beginning, the lyrics start with just being about growing up and it seems nice and sweet, but then we get to the chorus with this line:

“I didn’t know that I was starving till I tasted you”

Like seriously? This line probably sounded cute to somebody, but it just feels wrong and off putting. As for the other lyrics:

“Don’t need no butterflies when you gave me the whole damn zoo”

“By the way, right away, you do things to my body”

Gag me. I’m sorry but these lyrics are way too lame and corny for me to get involved in whatever emotion you’re trying to convey. But the true worst thing about Starving is the instrumentation. The guitar that plays throughout the song feels phoned in and doesn’t have any satisfying melody to it. However, the biggest problem I have is WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT DROP?! Not only does it sound awful and irritating, but it isn’t at all properly developed to and just feels slapped in. In fact, ALL of this song’s EDM elements feel slapped in and clash terribly with the rest of the song. Along with each other since this song has two prominent credited EDM artists working on this song who had to work together and... yeah it shows. I guess Starving isn’t really THAT bad, but it just annoys me in so many ways that it would feel wrong to not put it on the list.

 

9. 7 Years by Lukas Graham

Now I was originally planning to have this song be a lot higher on this song than it ended up being. So while this song softened on me a bit, that doesn’t mean I still don’t have a bone to pick with it. The one primary thing that I have grown to appreciate about this song is the toybox style melody, it does sound nice, and it progresses and grows throughout the song in a satisfying way. Shame that it’s hard for me to enjoy this melody because of how much I hate this singer’s voice. He just has such a smug and whiny tone and inflection that just rubs me the wrong way. But now let’s get to these oh so deep and moving lyrics:

“I always had that dream like my daddy before me”

“So I started writing songs I started writing stories”

“Something about the glory just always seemed to bore me”

“Cause only those I really love will ever really know me”

You don’t care about glory huh? Sure I totally buy that with all of the lyrics that are just you bragging about how cool and successful you are.

“Soon we’ll be 30 years old our songs have been sold”

“We’ve traveled around the world and we’re still roaming”

“Soon I’ll be 60 years old, my daddy got 61”

“Remember life and then your life becomes a better one”

Of course who could forget that LUKAS GRAHAAAAAMMM that is just slapped into one of the verses for... seemingly zero reason. I guess you didn’t show how successful you are enough. This song tries so hard to present itself as deep and personal like him mentioning that he smoked herb and drank liquor at age 11, but I just have such a hard time buying it one bit. Again, the melody is really nice which is what keeps this from being lower, but yeah, this topped Todd In The Shadows’ list for understandable reason.

 

8. One Call Away by Charlie Puth

It’s hard to forget that, even if he got better, Charlie Puth in 2015 and 2016(aka his Nine Track Mind days) was just... the worst. He had an annoying voice and the way he portrayed himself just made him look like a diet Justin Bieber. I already mentioned the irritating slog that was We Don’t Talk Anymore, and the less we speak about Marvin Gaye from 2015 the better. However, I feel like One Call Away in particular is a showcase of all of his worst aspects. The entire premise of this song is Puth telling some girl all about how he’s always going to be there and “save the day,” but it’s blatantly obvious that all he’s doing is stalking this girl around. I swear the video feels like self-aware parody with having Puth actually follow some girl around without her knowing and then the ending portrays it as some cute romantic gesture.

“Call me baby if you need a friend”

“I just wanna give you love”

“No matter where you go, know you’re not alone”

“Come along with me and don’t be scared”

These lines are just creepy more than anything with blatantly stalkerish they are. Also I have to ask, why is she scared? This is just too easy. The insanely wimpy vocal delivery and limp production only bring this feeling of emptiness and annoyance. VERY glad that this guy got a lot better with Voicenotes.

 

7. Work From Home by Fifth Harmony ft Ty Dolla Sign

How is it going obvious pick? So yeah... Fifth Harmony existed. I think everyone can agree that they were just awful. I mean, I’ve heard them be referred to as the Pussycat Dolls of the 2010s. Songs like this from them REALLY don’t help to bring down that idea. Starting with the production, I normally would not mind something like this. There isn’t anything truly irritating about the production with the only prominent upfront feature being this beep boop synth that can be put to good use. However, because of each singer having their own sluggish verse and that empty chorus with them tiredly repeating the word work over and over again, it causes the synth to overstay its welcome extremely quickly. Like I said before, each of Fifth Harmony’s verses are unpleasant with each girl just giving an obnoxious performance which is bad enough, but then we have Ty Dolla Sign’s verse which causes the flow to come to a complete halt and messes up the pace. Doesn’t help that the verse itself was just... terrible. The lyrics aren’t really all that noteworthy. They’re all just lousy sex metaphors for working that only make things more annoying. This song really does feel like what construction work would be like. Boring, irritating, tiring and just insanely hard to go through.

 

6. I Hate U I Love U by Gnash ft Olivia O’Brien

Hoo boy, this one. I’ve heard plenty of shallow and empty music, but this is exceptionally shallow. The production has pretty much nothing to it aside from basic piano keys and hand claps, and Olivia O’Brien sounds completely bored during her chorus. But the one thing that makes me strongly hate this as much as I do is Gnash. Something about his utterly lifeless and deadpan delivery just make him unbelievably unlikeable. He also just has a terrible and lazy flow. Seriously there’s one part where he rhymes sh*t with itself three times in a row. Like, why should I really care about any of what’s going on in this song if the main performer could not care less about it. Especially when you consider how the type of song this wants to be really needs emotion to work. Speaking of which, the lyrics are another big factor as to why this gets under my nerves as much as it does.

“Oh oh, keep it on the low”

“You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know”

“If you wanted me you would just say so”

“And if I were you I would never let me go”

“When love and trust are gone”

“I guess this is moving on”

“Everyone I do right does me wrong”

“So every lonely night I sing this song”

These lyrics genuinely feel like melodramatic poetry written by a middle schooler. Also this song is a duet but neither performer has the slightest bit of chemistry with each other only to make this even less compelling and even more tiresome. This song always puts me in such a bad mood that it would be a disservice to not put it on the list.

 

5. Hide Away by Daya

So I’m going to go out on a limb and say that basically nobody remembers Daya. Mainly just because of how forgettable all of her music was. She often had a childish or condescending tone in her music that just made her unpleasant. I already mentioned Sit Still Look Pretty which was a really bad song but Hide Away is significantly worse for how lazy and irritating it truly is. The production is frustratingly basic just doing the same weak synth that never gets appealing, along with Daya’s performance sounding insanely phoned in and just all around bad. However the primary reason this song is as infuriating as it is, is because of the lyrics. Throughout this whole song, all Daya does is whine and complain that she doesn’t have a boyfriend because she is such a good girl who is so much better than all of those other girls.

“Boys seem to like the girls who laugh at anything”

“The ones who get undressed before the second date”

“Girls seem to like the boys who don’t appreciate”

“All the money and time that it takes”

Yeah it seems like all Daya is doing is calling the boys ungrateful scumbags and the girls lazy sluts all because she can’t handle the fact that the boy is in a happy relationship with another girl and isn’t fawning to her every desire. It’s overdramatic without being compelling or interesting and is just overall face palming. I haven’t listened to any of Daya’s music from after 2016, if she even had any, but I hope she got better.

 

4. Hands To Myself by Selena Gomez

Well when Selena Gomez tried to be sexy, she ended up making one of the least sexy hit songs I’ve heard in a while. Because YIKES this is bad, and I do mean truly, TRULY awful. This production is, well, as In The Furnace put it, ASMR the song. Every single sound here is used to try and give a sense of closeness, and they try HARD. From the tense keys to the detailed hand snaps, to the heavy breathing and Selena in her uncanny whispery voice that sounds like she is getting way closer to the mic than she should be. All of the things I just mentioned just sound wrong in one way or another and do nothing but make me beyond uncomfortable. Would something that sounds like this really seem out of place for a horror movie? As for the lyrics, they are again just Selena trying way too hard to be sexy. It all comes off less like she genuinely cares about her partner, and more like she actually doesn’t have any idea of personal space. Say what you will about a song like Good For You, and for as much as I dislike that song, it at least had some sort of layer to its lyrics and still had ASAP Rocky to elevate it. This is quite possibly the worst song Selena Gomez has ever done and I hope I don’t have to listen to it ever again.

 

3. Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes

Yup, I bet you saw this on the list from a mile away. Treat You Better has become insanely infamous because of how it is THE “nice guy” song. Whenever someone thinks of a song that enforces toxic nice guy ideals, this is always the first thing to come to mind. Is all of this backlash deserved? Yeah, I’d say so. Before we get to the obvious criticisms, let me just say this sounds like complete garbage. The guitars all sound terribly mixed, the production as a whole is all immensely compressed, and Shawn Mendes gives his worst vocal performance. Who can forget the “BEDDAH DANNY CAN!” which is still hilarious to this day. As well as the production giving off this menacing tone that feels out of place because, well, isn’t this song supposed to be sweet and romantic? Speaking of that “romanticism,” let’s talk about the lyrics.

“I won’t lie to you”

“I know he’s just not right for you”

The song begins off decently enough, seems like this guy wants to help this girl who’s stuck in an unhealthy relationship. Ok, seems nice, but then he says this.

“I know I can treat you better than he can”

“And any girl like you deserves a gentleman”

“Tell me why are we wasting time on all your wasted crying”

“When you should be with me instead”

At this point it becomes abundantly clear what the guy’s goal in the song is. All he wants to do is manipulate this girl to get in bed with him by being nice to her. It is an unbelievably ugly and toxic sentiment that several people stand by to this day. The problem isn’t that it’s a steal your girl song, it’s that it tries so hard to seem romantic while doing so. Also with the idea that the girl is in an abusive relationship which can be found in the video makes things even worse. Easily the worst song that Shawn Mendes has ever done and I’m glad he stopped doing songs like this.

 

2a. Me Too by Meghan Trainor

 

2b. No by Meghan Trainor

Ah Meghan Trainor, saying she was a disliked artist in the 2010s would be a massive understatement. She consistently made toxic and just overall unlikeable music whether it be trying to empower large people in the worst way possible in All About That Bass or having creepy and obsessive marriage ideals in Dear Future Husband. But these two songs right here are easily among her biggest blunders. It’s not because these songs are as lyrically problematic as the two I mentioned before, the main reason these songs are here and are up this high is because THEY. SOUND. ATROCIOUS! Starting off with Me Too, the whole song just keeps adding on annoying and insufferable sound after annoying and insufferable sound to the point where you feel like you’re beginning to lose your mind. The most prominent sound is this distorted and repetitive synth that is BEYOND irritating. The lyrics of the song are just Meghan bragging about how great and proud she is, but there are some points in the song where you have to actively wonder is she was TRYING to humiliate herself. Especially this line:

“My life’s a movie Tom Cruise”

“So bless me baby achoo”

Just, really? Then we have No. The premise for this song is that there’s this guy at a bar trying as hard as he can to get with Meghan, but she tells him to back off. Ok that doesn’t sound too bad, but Meghan does this in the most unlikeable and in your face way possible with her just repeatedly saying no over and over again. She’s so over the top about it to the point where I’m actually on the guy’s side. It also has the same problem as Me Too where it just keeps adding annoying sound after annoying sound. Whether it be grating whistling, unpolished guitars, or nonstop snapping. Let’s be glad Meghan didn’t have much prominence after this year, and let’s hope it stays that way.

When it comes to my number 1 for this year, it’s a case where it topped the list not because it’s the most annoying or toxic song to come out this year, but it’s because it’s the most worthless, it’s the song where I see absolutely zero appeal for it one or another and I don’t understand why anybody would seek it out to listen to it. However, it’s simultaneously the most baffling hit of the year. My jaw dropped to the floor when I heard this for the first time. How can a song be both of these? Well let Ms. Kiiara show you how it’s done.

 

1. Gold by Kiiara

I... don’t know what to say. In spite of all the garbage music this year had, I can safely say no song on this year end chart gets underneath my skin the same way Gold does. Let’s start off with the first immediate thing you’ll notice when you listen to this song, that chorus, which is nothing but chopped up vocal bits slapped together to spew unintelligible nonsense. All I can ask is one thing, why? Why would you want to add this to your song? It’s not creative, clever, compelling or anything like that. Why would you want to take several little snippets of your voice and slap and edit them together like some YouTubers Sing video? As for the rest of the song, it’s obvious that this is supposed to be a villain song. With the dark and tense beat, Kiiara’s voice that’s meant to be reserved and menacing, and lyrics that involve having gold teeth and burning houses, but none of it can sell the villain vibe it’s going for. Let’s look at a song that does the same thing but better, Bad Guy by Billie Eilish. In that song, Billie does the same thing of being a quiet and reserved villain, but the reason it works there is because the beat is groovy, and the lyrics have plenty of personality. With Gold, the beat is bland, sparse and hardly grows in any satisfying way, Kiiara just sounds completely bored, and the lyrics are too vague and empty. That’s the perfect word to describe this song, empty. There is no substance to be found here in any way. At least with the Meghan Trainor songs, she sounds like she’s having fun singing them. Kiiara doesn’t seem like she’s having any fun at all and seems like she wants to be anywhere else. All of that is what causes this song to be one of the emptiest songs to listen to not just of 2016, but of the entire 2010s decade.

Gold by Kiiara, my pick for the worst hit song of 2016.